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Help! I'm getting married and I don't want to have sex!?

Answers:1   |   LastAnswerAt:2011.03  

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visitor
Shannon 
Asked at 2011.03.31 01:10:07
Well, that sure could use some explaining...

So it's like this: I'm 21, and I'm planning my wedding. My fiance's the most incredible guy on the face of the planet, and I adore him.

There's just one problem: I cannot even think about having sex with him. The minute my thoughts wander there, I immediately "change the subject".

Allow me to back up a bit. Andrei and I first met when we were 8 years old, playing at each other's houses when our moms came over to talk...then we developed secret crushes on each other when we were teenagers and had become best friends...then we fell headlong in love with each other as young adults. We were each other's first (and last!) loves, and never had eyes for anyone else. A few months ago (about a year after we started dating) Andrei surprised me with a beautiful wooden box he made himself containing a gorgeous diamond ring, and asked me to share his life with him. Naturally I said yes. (Actually it was more like YESYESYES!!!...)

I think a brief description of my fiance is in order. Andrei is tall, lean, 20 years old, handsome in a boy-next-door sort of way. Thick dark hair and twinkly blue eyes, you know. He, like me, is the firstborn in a conservative family and raised accordingly. A terrific big brother and role model, and responsible beyond his years. He's a student in college now, an English major. He likes all the ame things I do: reading epic literature and good poets, going for long hikes when it's windy and wild out, mind-challenging board games, poking around in dusty antique stores, traveling, exploring, snowboarding, and working with his hands; but his two greatest loves are music and writing. He's an accomplished pianist and composer, but he also loves simply listening to new music all the time. He's obsessed with writing in all its forms, and he's GOOD at it. He'll be an author someday, I'm surprised he's not one already.

Having said that, it shouldn't surprise you to hear he's something like the Quintessential Hopeless Romantic. I have a box full of letters that would make most girls scream with jealousy. Andrei's never at a loss for what to get me on special occasions, either...a few examples would be the handmade jewelry, the wax-sealed valentines, the leather scrapbook with pictures of us, the song he wrote, composed, performed and sung just for me...you get the idea. He's basically Creativity embodied. (Oh yes--and he's making our wedding bands.)

Now this is where it gets complicated. He and I are both virgins, and believe in waiting for marriage. We've never spoken about sex. Not because of some rule or anything--it's just never come up, and neither of us is an any hurry to bring it up, you might say. Mind you, we talk all the time -- probably about 6 hours a week of good, solid conversation. We've got fantastic communication...about everything else. We've even discussed having children (we both want 'em, and lots of 'em) -- but never the process whereby you obtain children...!

The thing is, he's a perfect gentleman in every regard. He's protective and chivalrous around me without being remotely sexist...he will tell you in no uncertain terms that he considers me his superior in almost everything. (I say he's wrong, but anyway...) He is the one person who understands me the best, and who I trust the most. So it's not that I'm the least bit afraid of him when it comes to thinking about sex. And don't think for a minute that the problem is I'm just not attracted to him in *that* way...I am! I think he's sexy as hell! For me, the happiest place in the world is in his arms. He's always kissing my cheek, hand, forehead, hair, etc... rubbing my back, stroking my face, putting his foot on mine under the table... Our very first kiss (note: this was not only 'our' first kiss, but also my/his first kiss -- no prior relationships, remember??) started out as a gentle, experimental touch on the lips and quickly escalated to fast and furious with lots of tongue in about 6 seconds flat. (When we finally pulled away, we just stared at each other, like "whoa, what just happened?!" Pretty funny actually.) So apparently we've got great chemistry and all...but...

I just can't stand the idea of having sex!!! It's like...well for one, I can't imagine that a guy wouldn't be grossed out (or at least weirded out) at seeing his girl all awkwardly splayed out on a bed with her legs in the air, after only ever thinking of her, for years, looking pretty and sweet in cute outfits and such...I mean...ewwwww. I just cringe at the thought. In a way I almost feel like it'd be easier (or at least less embarrassing) having sex with a complete stranger! Kind of like how it's not a big deal to have a doctor see you naked? And I can't help but feel like, once we "do it", that he'll never see me/think of me the same...like we'll lose something from our relationship. I guess it's just kind of hard to envision what it will be like, after years without knowing what we look
answer Just Bored  Answered at 2011.03.31 01:10:07
I see your point. But let me explain something, the "sex" you two will be having will be more like "making love". The "sex" will come later, if that makes any sense. Making love is the beautiful, physical part of being in a relationship. There is no closer connection you two will have and if you truly are the ones for each other than making love will feel mesmerizing. Yes, it will be awkward at first and will hurt a bit as well but you are young adults, you should not feel ashamed by sex. All the silly problems you have with it will eventually go away if you are open to exploring each other in a way you haven't yet. This is uncharted territory and you will have fun exploring it. Believe me hun, it is not as weird and gross as you think. Plus, he is a guy, I guarantee you he thinks differently about the topic but you would never know since you haven't talked about it. You can't get married and be this closed minded about a topic that is very important to you both if you want to have kids and be in a happy marriage. Sex is not everything but it is something in a relationship, and something key. Your man will see you naked and think you are more beautiful as he will see all of you truly and deeply. If this is true love and he is the "one" then please do yourself a favor and talk about it with him. You can't avoid sex foerever , the sooner you deal with it the better. I hope you get to experience the magic with him as I have with my husband and I hope I wasn't too corny. Good luck.
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