Struggling to explain adoption to my children....? Related Questions

Struggling to explain adoption to my children....?
Asked By Two Pretty in Pink,Last Answer By De At 2011.04,1 Answers

I have 2 little girls whom are adopted. They are now 2 and 3 years old, and starting to gather information about where babies come from by seeing pregnant women, etc. I have explained to them that they didn't grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart....but I don't think they get it yet. I don't think they need an all out explanation just yet, but I feel like i'm not doing enough to educate them on the fact that they are adopted. I don't know many other adoptive families, so I don't have a great source of information on how to raise children to understand/accept the facts of adoption.

Their adoptions are not secret, and I completely understand and respect that they have experienced the loss of their biological families and will mourn that loss over time. I will support them in their search for knowledge and answers when the time comes, I just want them to be well adjusted and not feel ashamed of the fact they are adopted or feel like it's something that should be hushed and not talked about.

Advice greatly appreciated.

Can some of the anti-adoption people explain this please? Open to everyone?
Asked By Snickette,Last Answer By Serenity71 At 2010.06,1 Answers

First off I do not mean anti adoption as a derogatryterm, I simply mean to describe those who are against most adoption practices.

I do not support pre-birth matching, or agencies or anything like that but I do however support adoption where needed and I do support termination of parental rights in cases of abuse or neglect.A lot of the evidence I see stated on this board points out the trauma that exists when babies and biological mothers are separated, which something I used to assume was true.

Then I read about the ways in which adopted children show this trauma-feelings of emptiness, lower academic performance, lower immune systems, an inability to be calmed or comforted, etc etc.

This is where it all breaks down for me simply due to experience. Both my experiences with being adopted and as a foster mother. I never felt empty. I was curious for sure. I never felt loss or grief or trauma. No, it wasn't repressed, I just didn't experience those feelings-not that I'm for a second saying that nobody does.
Also as a foster parent, I've adopted and raised many children who were separated from their mothers, and many at birth. Yet the vast majority of those children didn't want their biological mothers. Literally they would not go to them without a fuss. Including those who had never known abuse or neglect at their hands. They were instantly comforted by me when I picked them up, they had brilliant immune systems and were never sick. Yet within a few hours of separation from me and time with their biological parents they would exhibit signs of stress. I just haven't experienced ANY of the common explainations of trauma caused by adoption. Yet we're constantly told by some people that this WILL happen to ALL adoptees.

My experiences were that many of my foster children bonded to me, especially those who I raised from birth. Many returned home and then began having problems that had never before been evident. And I'm not alone in this. I have a huge network of foster, adoptive and foster/adopt parents that I have discussed this at length with. Most of us have correlating stories and experiences, as do most of our children. I guess what I'm asking is do people truly believe that their experiences will always be true for others? Does all the 'research' in the world really mean more than actual real-life experiences?

Anyway, sorry this is so long but I would be very interested in everyone's opinions and discussions.

Can some of the anti-adoption people explain this please? Open to everyone?
Asked By Snickette,Last Answer By Serenity71 At 2011.04,1 Answers

First off I do not mean anti adoption as a derogatryterm, I simply mean to describe those who are against most adoption practices.

I do not support pre-birth matching, or agencies or anything like that but I do however support adoption where needed and I do support termination of parental rights in cases of abuse or neglect.A lot of the evidence I see stated on this board points out the trauma that exists when babies and biological mothers are separated, which something I used to assume was true.

Then I read about the ways in which adopted children show this trauma-feelings of emptiness, lower academic performance, lower immune systems, an inability to be calmed or comforted, etc etc.

This is where it all breaks down for me simply due to experience. Both my experiences with being adopted and as a foster mother. I never felt empty. I was curious for sure. I never felt loss or grief or trauma. No, it wasn't repressed, I just didn't experience those feelings-not that I'm for a second saying that nobody does.
Also as a foster parent, I've adopted and raised many children who were separated from their mothers, and many at birth. Yet the vast majority of those children didn't want their biological mothers. Literally they would not go to them without a fuss. Including those who had never known abuse or neglect at their hands. They were instantly comforted by me when I picked them up, they had brilliant immune systems and were never sick. Yet within a few hours of separation from me and time with their biological parents they would exhibit signs of stress. I just haven't experienced ANY of the common explainations of trauma caused by adoption. Yet we're constantly told by some people that this WILL happen to ALL adoptees.

My experiences were that many of my foster children bonded to me, especially those who I raised from birth. Many returned home and then began having problems that had never before been evident. And I'm not alone in this. I have a huge network of foster, adoptive and foster/adopt parents that I have discussed this at length with. Most of us have correlating stories and experiences, as do most of our children. I guess what I'm asking is do people truly believe that their experiences will always be true for others? Does all the 'research' in the world really mean more than actual real-life experiences?

Anyway, sorry this is so long but I would be very interested in everyone's opinions and discussions.

What about research who says adoption doesn't effect children tremendously?
Asked By britt22,Last Answer By irishrose29 At 2011.04,1 Answers

my Friend and i were arguing today about this. she is a psychology major and i am an adoptee she was interested in the fact that i felt badly or negatively about my adoption and how it had effected my behavior and personality. so she decided to do a research paper on it and by the collection of data from other experiments and researchers she concluded that children that are adopted usually aren't too much different behaviorally and personality. and she also concluded that there isn't that much negative feelings about it. this to me is mind blowing i myself am not the same as everyone around me and my behavior as a child showed it. also i dint hate adoption btu i dont look at it as the first choice either. we argued this for quite a while and she became angry that i didn't agree and believe the research. i kept telling her that i had experienced it and no matter what any research said it wasn't going to change my mind. i feel people conducting this research dont feel what i feel anddidn'ttexperiencee what i did so how can they knowanythingg about it. i feel research is swayed or changed. i am not sure. how do we explain this research is it wrong. i am confused on it all.

Does closed adoption promote the idea that children are property to be owned?
Asked By blank stare,Last Answer By LaurieDB At 2010.06,1 Answers

After all, if the idea behind closed adoption is that the adoptive parent wants the child to be hers and hers alone, isn't that suggestive of possessiveness and ownership?

How Do i Explain to my Young Children..?
Asked By NoWorries,Last Answer By pammyr_us At 2011.04,1 Answers

I have 3 children and 4th on the way ! my eldest is 7 and boy n girl twins who are 4 ! the twins are a little confused about mummys big belly but i tried to explain to them about a little baby growing inside, they were getting about it until their 7 yr old brother told them that babies come from mummys poop ! now everytime i come out of the bathroom the twins run in to look down the toilet ! iv told them No but they still believe there older brother .. they recently started school and just last week i was standing at the school gates when one of their friends mum came up to me and said that her child started looking down the toilet ? .. the twins wont listen to me.. iv tried to get their brother to tell them he was jokin but they are still convinced there in mummys poop .. How can i fix his ?..

Whats the best adoption agency for Americans looking to adopt from China's waiting children's list?
Asked By Elijah's mum,Last Answer By Erin L At 2011.04,1 Answers

I have always wanted to adopt a child when I finished college and after researching China's one child policy decided I would adopt a a child from the children's waiting list.

I was wondering which agency is best for both single mother and couple adoptions.

As of now I am single, but I want to get my PhD in doctoral philosophy before starting a family and may or may not be married by then. (I plan on adopting 2 or 3 years after I have a steady job as a nurse practitioner)

This is very important to me and any help would be extremal appreciated!

Thanks :)

Explain the causes and effects of discrimination on children?
Asked By ML,Last Answer By ashimagupta02 At 02.26,11 Answers

It is something people learn from their own parents or other social group, such as organized religious groups. It hurts those children in many ways physically, emotionally and socially. I am sure there are many explanations in Early Childhood textbooks as this is my personal opinion from watching discrimination in all aspects of my life. It really is sad to see one of my students of age three or four hurt by words that were learned at home by another student. Our country has a lot of maturing to do.

Who should explain to the children what is happening when they are put into foster care?
Asked By Brittany,Last Answer By Tara At 2011.04,1 Answers

Biological parents?
foster parents?
social worker?
nobody?
someone not listed here?

if you answer, please let me know if you have experience with the foster care system

How to explain addiction and alcoholism to young children?
Asked By DeliCinq,Last Answer By Kimberly At 2011.04,1 Answers

I would appreciate the insight and experiences of families who have been touched by substance dependency and have had to explain it to young, developing minds.

We've had this conversation in the past with our children, whose biological mother who is also my relative, has struggled with addiction since her late teens. However, as a series of new situations come our way, the children are pressuring for more information about their mother's condition.

I feel a little lost and I cannot get a hold of written information at the moment. My husband and I mostly answer from the heart. We do not judge or demonize any drug addicts and much less the mother of our children. However, it is hard to talk about the consequences of drugs and alcohol in excess to small children. Have you had to do something similar? How did it work? What resources, words, ideas did you use? And how do you think your children understood the message?

In adoption, do all adult household members have to participate in the home study and consent to the adoption?
Asked By Evαngeℓιne,Last Answer By Jennifer D At 2011.04,1 Answers

If you relinquish all parental rights by adoption then could a father say put up for adoption and skip support
Asked By US War Crims Pss On Ground 0,Last Answer By Teresa At 2011.04,1 Answers

If the mother doesn't want or can't afford a child she can abort or put up for adoption thus avoiding supporting the child.

If the mother keeps the child she can make the father pay child support regardless of his decision about affordability.

But if he then has the chance at custody and says, OK, put the child up for adoption, and she refuses, do you think he should pay. Or should she then say she's adopting his share of the baby if she refuses and then he shouldn't pay because you don't pay for babies you put up for adoption.

P/AP's: How much "adoption loss", grief and adoptee issues were covered in your adoption training?
Asked By AnnaBelle,Last Answer By kims At 2010.06,1 Answers

I realized recently when I answered a question that my initial training experience may have differed from that of many other AP's. I had 4 adoptees (also PAPs) in my initial course, and the AP who taught it was EXTREMELY sympathetic to adoptee grief/loss issues. A good portion of our training was spent discussing these issues, the feelings and reasons behind them, and the importance of relationships with first family...

How much was covered in your training regarding adoption loss issues? Please specify in your answer HOW you adopted (foster care or private). I would be interested to know how much this stuff is talked about when PAPs are starting the process.

Are Expectant Mothers Considering Adoption Told that Open Adoption is not Enforcable?
Asked By H******,Last Answer By Camira B At 2010.06,1 Answers

I've never once seen that on an adoption agency website.

I've seen plenty about how an open adoption is possible and lots of promises of various levels of contact; but I've never seen anything that lets the mother know that she doesn't have a leg to stand on if the door is slammed in her face

Are agencies being misleading in this regard?

Is there anyone in the Adoption section who won't hold it against me if I'm not bitter about my adoption?
Asked By kiahsobyk,Last Answer By Kassy At 2010.06,1 Answers

Now, I had a fairly busted-up childhood, and I'm not saying everyone needs to be as well-adjusted as I am.

But the collective angst of this place is mind-boggling. What is it? Catharsis?

I can guarantee the onus of negativity here is needlessly burdensome to many of those who come here looking for decent feedback into what is a little-known world.

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